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ibu,,

‘Ain berusaha keras utk masa depan..

byk kali terlintas dlm hati..

berbaloi kah??

harta, pelajaran, kebahagiaan, dan sgala yg di kejarkan..

kalau akhirnya ‘Ain mungkin akhiri hidup sdetik kemudian?

tapi jika ‘Ain yg pergi dulu,,’Ain tahu apa yg ‘Ain mahukan utk ibu..

perasaan ini mungkin dosa terbesar ‘Ain..

mungkin x ckup keimanan menolak sgala kbencian..

tp ‘Ain ttp percaya skuatnya,,Dia x abaikn kita..

maka ‘Ain cuba bahagiaan kan si tua.

…….’Ain da terima sgala surat penyerahan harta ibu……

i knew it must be hard to finally see that ur last bit of trace in this world was about to be erased and to finally declare that you are not here..

there’ll be no more Aminah Ya’cob in any documentation..

there won’t be “ohh,,that’s my mum’s”

all the books you wrote,,the books that u didn’t finish,,it’s gone,,from priceless to useless..

i’m just wondering,,will i be able to finish writing before i leave??

or will i be forgotten just like urs??

ohh,,u called.. what was it about things going on back there??

disastrous. ohh,,really sorry to here that,,i really am..

ur own mother has been torturing u for what u have done to me??

that was unnecessary,,my apology.

i feel bad that u have to go through that but i guess she said nothing wrong.

n now u call me,,asking me to tell people that i’m not in any way hurt at all.

that i’m okay with everything.

ayah,,u might as well need to consider thinking before u talk.

i don’t scream at your face doesn’t make what i feel go away.

it doesn’t mean that life is easier.

it doesn’t make what ever u did and still doing okay to me..

no,,not at all ayah..

but yes,,i’m really sorry that u have to get through that.

that u have to face that humiliation.

that was so uncalled for,,n i wish it did not happen to you.

this last bit of thought i have for you,,i don’t even know what is it called.

it may be love,,or perhaps responsibility to be born your offspring.

i’m hoping for better life,,i hope u allow me t0o.

cuz i’m praying the same for you.

my tears told you everything ayah,,u should have known..

i was trying hard to make things easier for you.

to let u go on with your life even if it hurts me.

i say none to others and act plain in front of you.

god knows how tormenting it is to live near you and still be invisible to you.

but still,,i serve as your daughter,,my obligation,,my gift,,to u.

i must say,,u now notice me physically.

but i remain invisible to you emotionally.

ayah,,life was hard with you in the picture,,but i guess i can never erase u..

that’s not what i should do neither do i want it to..

it’s really scary that i feel love from them..

it’s pathetic when i’m afraid to lose that..

when theirs are not mine,,or whatsoever..

i just wish that every bit of this life would make our journey more or less together.

because u were in the plan even though u were not in the ride.

i’m running out of will to tell you this,,i’m running out if wit to clean up the mess..

so now,,i’m begging u…

to spell if you really cannot read,,to crawl if you really can’t walk..

this heart i have beats from yours..

but i wonder why mine doesn’t beat as fast..

And you know what??
If you really care..
If you really do care, you would see how hurtful I was when you walked away to marry her..

You won’t have that heart to go on leaving me crying,,alone.

You would not be this selfish and at least give me some time to get know to you..

you should at least give US that chance.
How I wish having me is enough for you!

I am glad that I keep on living.

i really do!

My life was tormented by its own definition but i keep on crawling when walking gets affected by gravity a little t0o much..

Well, home meant taking care of my sick mother. Now, I’m stranded!

God knows how disappointing that is to a strayed daughter.
Ultimately, my parents’ life is where I draw the line in my life, I determine what I want and I don’t in life based on them.

People die!

So does everything else except HIM but I believe that life is more than just breathe!

balik skjap ke johor after 2 months..
hati rse berat tp tanggungjawab sbg seorang insan,,buat ati rse mmg ptot berbaik2 dgn sme org..
“jgn biar kte yg nmpk jahat sdang kn org lain yg lukakan kte”,,ibu slalu pesan tu..
so smpai jek kg,,tros btgor sape smua sdare mare terdekat dan drive ke mlake utk jmpe mak cik yg lain,,skdar termampu..
mntk maaf sbb x blk d kala cuti sem ari tu,,n basically telling them that i’m doing fine,,x kre la if they care or not..
i tot it was necessary and the right thing to do..
try to have fun with my cousins n met acit,,the one who knew t0o much..
*gonna post that part on blogspot..

pg td was the “day”!
bngon dgn ati yg sgt sayu..
mlm td x mimpi ibu after 6 straight days mimpi either ibu plok or genggam tgn (sbb da 6 ari x bley tdo,,klo tertdo pon mst mimpi ibu n mte pnoh berair..)
last mimpi,,rse mcm tnga lari laju2 tngglkn ayah dan ade sorng pompuan,,ble tgk dpan,,ibu tnga lari sme2 dn genggam tgn ‘Ain kuat2..
*i guess i miss her..

smpai d tmpt pengambil alihan kuasa harta pusaka
(still can’t get the term right)
x dpt tahan perasaan lalu luahkn sket kt ayah,,just to make it known..
this is never easy for me,,even though x nmpk mcm susa pon..
dtg angkat sumpah n beri kterangn jekk,,pe susa.. >.<"

"lpas dpt harta ni bley la kawin ,,kn muda lagi..",,kata tuan yg uruskn tuh kt ayah smbil snyum2.. (gosh,,was that necessary??)
maka dgn sgera jwb sbb xmo die ckp pnjng2 psal tu ngn ayah,,"ohh,,da siap plan da sme tu,,jgn risau",,smbil snyum..

God,,please don't tell me that i'm not normal..
knape rse sdey??
tbayang wajah ibu,,prit gle..
teringat ibu tnye "klo ibu mati,,ayah akn kawen tros ke?? 'Ain rse ayah akn lpe kan ibu mcm tu je??"
"ehh,,x la ibu.. ayah sayang ibu..",,tu jek yg tkluar kt mulot smbil tgk ibu tlantar kt katil,,kelat..

ayah tbe2 ckp psal plan nk kawen bln 12 tu lagi..
x dpt tahan dri..
ayah siap mention psal tnda2 ibu nk tgglkn kami dlu..
"ayah sayang Min??" pastu tros cte psal die sdey tgk acik Dawam yg kawen right after istri dia mninggal..

br taw,,rupenye ibu btol2 dpt rse kn hakikat tuh..

nanges2 lalu btaw ayah,,btape 'Ain cbe nk knal ayah lpas ibu mninggal,,rupe2 nye,,ayah nk knal org lain plak..
for once,,btaw ayah yg ati 'Ain da beku dan harap ayah x kcik ati,,'Ain btol2 x mampu nk cbe..
sgt sakit,,walaupon ayah lupe,,tp 'Ain membesar jd shadow jek antara ayah dn ibu..

i still love u,,but i think it's best to let it this way..

btol2 da smpai limit,,btol2 da smpai,,btol2..

nk grak blk,,salam,,cium,,dan plok ayah..
still try to get at least that from him..
tbe2 ayah bisik,,''Ain jgn igt ayah x sayang 'Ain sbb tu ayah kawen lain"
- terdiam,,sbb mmg x pna rse ayah x sayang 'Ain,,cme mungkin x brape ptg..
as he whispers that,,pndangn rse korsong,,fikiran rse terawang2..
'Ain mintak maaf ayah,,'Ain da cube..

'Ain btol2 da cube…..utk pcaye smua tu.

sdang taip2 assignment,,tbe2 t’igt..
td ayah call soh bli kn bakal tunang die air ECPI 4 botol..
siap bg taw mne nk cr n no phone pembekal in case x dpt cari kt kdai..
aiyakk,,bulan ni da lari bajet,,banyakkk sgt smpai tpakse bersusa payah nk mkn buka puasa..
nk ckp da xde dwet,,x tercakap plak..
maka mengira dwet dr tabung botol susu.. T.T
dwett singgit2 yg berlipat cbe di kire dgn prasaan sayu..
*mcm x smpai rm32 jekk >.>>…<<<”

1st tym tsala bajet n btol2 rse sesak..
cmne nk mnabong utk mse dpan??
come on ‘iN,,u cn do this!!

bertabah!!
2 taun lagi,,blaja bsungguh2 n try adapting to this life..
then u’ll be working hard,,get married n off to the states for masters n a happy ending!!
go go go!!

note: as much as i don’t thing my mum’s money would do good to me,,i do pray to God that i’ll be blessed with a lot of money during the hearing..
tamak ke??
mungkin..
tp part of me rse mungkin lg lega klo i got what my mum has been earning hard,,for me..
at least,,every sweat n her sleepless nights are worth it..

ohh ye,,ayah plak nk tunang raye ni..
1st raye tnapa ibu..
1st b’day tanpa ibu..
how the hell did this slip off everyone’s mind??
xpe lah.
mungkin saye nmpk tlampau tabah smpai sme pon x sensitip lngsong..

ye baekkk!!
‘Ain igt kata2 ibu slalu..
“‘Ain mcm ibu,,tabah sgt,,kte kuat!!”,,then kte nanges dlm hati same2 smbil tlan air liur yg kring..
life was hard back then,,n it’s still hard ibu..
rest in peace,,dun wori..
i got this! :)

Al- Fatihah.

i’ve been away…

not knowing what life cud bring,,i continue breathing..

walking in the dark till i see him..

the one who saves me n shows me the path i never knew existed..

i tot i cud live pretending that i did not care..

that ikram was all i needed and what u did wud not affect me no more..

now that i have him who does nothing but making me happy..

well,,i was wrong,,and wrong again..

cuz,,i hv a heart that can bleed..

but if things have to be this way,,i surrender..

ayah,,

i never had u n i think i can live knowing that i never will..

but i will always love u,,n think that u love me t0o..

those memories of you,,are always tormenting..

those things that u do,,are always hurting..

now that u see how important i am to be seen..

it’s a little t0o late,,n perhaps it a little too temporary..

those scars u give,,still hurt..

no matter how hard i try,,i still feel the pain..

21 years growing up wanting u to want me are too exhausting..

i’ve learnt how to stop seeing u not looking at me..

i’ve come up with many excuses to suffer in silent..

i’ve found the way to wake up n smile again..

i’ve reached to the point where my heart numbs even though it still bleeds..

so please,,give me this chance to at least take care of my own heart..

when u r not capable of seeing any..

so please,,don’t deny my right to be hurt..

when all u do is hurting me..

and please,,if you cannot see me..

don’t play with my heart n pretend like u care..

cuz i can see,,how this will turn ugly,,again..

it’s just too predictable and i am tired of hoping..

p/s: ayah,,i won’t stop loving u n hope u’ll be happy with her n ur new children cuz now only i realize that a father needs to see his daughter before he can be happy with her presence.

how i wish having me is enough for you

stakat beralih dari yang tetap,

tidak berniat terus meratap,

hasil ciptaNya kini di rentap,

berbekas di hati insan yang bengap.

bukan maksud untuk biadap,

sekadar mencoba berhenti berharap,

letih menanti yang lebih beradab,

akhirnye pandangan kabur berasap.

walau sakitnya tidak sekerap,

tetap cenderung duduk terperap,

mengelak dari jatuh tertiarap,

membawa diri mengibar sayap.

al-fatihah buat arwah bonda tercinta, Aminah Binti Ya’cob yang telah kembali ke rahmatullah pada 28  November 2008 pada jam 4.05 minit pagi. semoga roh arwah tenang dan ditempatkan di kalangan orang-orang yang beriman. aminnnnn…

ya-Allah,

ampuni lah segala dosa ku dan dosa kedua orang tua ku ya-Allah, sesungguhnya  hanya Engkau yang mengetahui yang terbaik buat hamba-hambamu. ampuni kehilafanku dan terima kasih di atas hidayah Mu ya-Allah. kuatkan lah iman ku dan berikanlah ku petunjuk. kau hidup dan matikanlah aku dan kedua ibu bapa ku di dalam iman, aminnnnnnnn…

ibu,

masih banyak yang ‘Ain nak beritahu ibu dan masih banyak yang ‘Ain impikan untuk ibu. impian membina mahligai impian ibu masih terpahat di ingatan ‘Ain. banyak yang tak mampu ‘Ain jalani tanpa ibu. ampun kan ‘Ain jika ‘Ain bukan anak yang baik, namun ketahuilah ibu, ‘Ain redha kan segala yang di tentukanNya. segala yang baik datang daripadanya dan semoga iman ‘Ain dan ayah di kuatkan dan kami dapat meneruskan hidup dengan lebih di redhai Nya.

teman-teman,

maaf kan ‘iN kalau selama ini ‘iN bukan rakan yang terbaik buat kalian. terlampau banyak kelemahan yang tak mampu ‘iN tarik balik. ‘iN telah kehilangan nyawa ‘iN dan seperti yang semua tahu, ibu ‘iN adalah segalanya buat ‘iN. setelah pemergian ibu,’iN rase bertanggungjawab untuk menjadi muslimah yang di redhai Allah, agar ‘iN dapat memudahkan prjalanan ibu bapa ‘iN ke syurga. oleh itu, ‘iN mohon rakan-rakan yang sudi untuk membimbing ‘iN ke arah yang di redhai Allah, bantu lah ‘iN keluar dari kehilafan ‘iN sendiri, terima kasih rakan-rakan..

note:

  • ‘iN masih cuba bertabah tapi ‘iN tahu, ‘iN akan bersatu dengan ibu dan ayah di akhirat nanti,dan semoga kami dapat bersama-sama bahgia di surga, aminnnnnnnnnn…
  • maaf jika ‘iN masi x mampu nak balas msg rakan2, ketahuilah betapa sukarnya keadaan ini buat ‘iN dan harap anda dapat trus doakan kami
  • al-fatihah…

gather them all

my dear!!

gather them all

every big and small

gather them all

inside this hall

quick,,

gather them all

they will kill us all

my dear,,

they will kill us all

come to us they shall

they will kill us all

every short and tall

they will kill us all

scream while you can

grab what you find

think what you want

die if you don’t mind

stay away when i get mad

or else you know what you’ll get

don’t get under my skin

or else you’ll pay for your every sin

i was there when you fell

i was there when you coudn’t spell

so i will definitely be there to ring the bell

when you rot in hell!

-hellafrenzy (2008)

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