.:please!:.

i’ve been away…

not knowing what life cud bring,,i continue breathing..

walking in the dark till i see him..

the one who saves me n shows me the path i never knew existed..

i tot i cud live pretending that i did not care..

that ikram was all i needed and what u did wud not affect me no more..

now that i have him who does nothing but making me happy..

well,,i was wrong,,and wrong again..

cuz,,i hv a heart that can bleed..

but if things have to be this way,,i surrender..

ayah,,

i never had u n i think i can live knowing that i never will..

but i will always love u,,n think that u love me t0o..

those memories of you,,are always tormenting..

those things that u do,,are always hurting..

now that u see how important i am to be seen..

it’s a little t0o late,,n perhaps it a little too temporary..

those scars u give,,still hurt..

no matter how hard i try,,i still feel the pain..

21 years growing up wanting u to want me are too exhausting..

i’ve learnt how to stop seeing u not looking at me..

i’ve come up with many excuses to suffer in silent..

i’ve found the way to wake up n smile again..

i’ve reached to the point where my heart numbs even though it still bleeds..

so please,,give me this chance to at least take care of my own heart..

when u r not capable of seeing any..

so please,,don’t deny my right to be hurt..

when all u do is hurting me..

and please,,if you cannot see me..

don’t play with my heart n pretend like u care..

cuz i can see,,how this will turn ugly,,again..

it’s just too predictable and i am tired of hoping..

p/s: ayah,,i won’t stop loving u n hope u’ll be happy with her n ur new children cuz now only i realize that a father needs to see his daughter before he can be happy with her presence.

how i wish having me is enough for you

.:tetap:.

stakat beralih dari yang tetap,

tidak berniat terus meratap,

hasil ciptaNya kini di rentap,

berbekas di hati insan yang bengap.

bukan maksud untuk biadap,

sekadar mencoba berhenti berharap,

letih menanti yang lebih beradab,

akhirnye pandangan kabur berasap.

walau sakitnya tidak sekerap,

tetap cenderung duduk terperap,

mengelak dari jatuh tertiarap,

membawa diri mengibar sayap.

.:al-fatihah:.

al-fatihah buat arwah bonda tercinta, Aminah Binti Ya’cob yang telah kembali ke rahmatullah pada 28  November 2008 pada jam 4.05 minit pagi. semoga roh arwah tenang dan ditempatkan di kalangan orang-orang yang beriman. aminnnnn…

ya-Allah,

ampuni lah segala dosa ku dan dosa kedua orang tua ku ya-Allah, sesungguhnya  hanya Engkau yang mengetahui yang terbaik buat hamba-hambamu. ampuni kehilafanku dan terima kasih di atas hidayah Mu ya-Allah. kuatkan lah iman ku dan berikanlah ku petunjuk. kau hidup dan matikanlah aku dan kedua ibu bapa ku di dalam iman, aminnnnnnnn…

ibu,

masih banyak yang ‘Ain nak beritahu ibu dan masih banyak yang ‘Ain impikan untuk ibu. impian membina mahligai impian ibu masih terpahat di ingatan ‘Ain. banyak yang tak mampu ‘Ain jalani tanpa ibu. ampun kan ‘Ain jika ‘Ain bukan anak yang baik, namun ketahuilah ibu, ‘Ain redha kan segala yang di tentukanNya. segala yang baik datang daripadanya dan semoga iman ‘Ain dan ayah di kuatkan dan kami dapat meneruskan hidup dengan lebih di redhai Nya.

teman-teman,

maaf kan ‘iN kalau selama ini ‘iN bukan rakan yang terbaik buat kalian. terlampau banyak kelemahan yang tak mampu ‘iN tarik balik. ‘iN telah kehilangan nyawa ‘iN dan seperti yang semua tahu, ibu ‘iN adalah segalanya buat ‘iN. setelah pemergian ibu,’iN rase bertanggungjawab untuk menjadi muslimah yang di redhai Allah, agar ‘iN dapat memudahkan prjalanan ibu bapa ‘iN ke syurga. oleh itu, ‘iN mohon rakan-rakan yang sudi untuk membimbing ‘iN ke arah yang di redhai Allah, bantu lah ‘iN keluar dari kehilafan ‘iN sendiri, terima kasih rakan-rakan..

note:

• ‘iN masih cuba bertabah tapi ‘iN tahu, ‘iN akan bersatu dengan ibu dan ayah di akhirat nanti,dan semoga kami dapat bersama-sama bahgia di surga, aminnnnnnnnnn…
• maaf jika ‘iN masi x mampu nak balas msg rakan2, ketahuilah betapa sukarnya keadaan ini buat ‘iN dan harap anda dapat trus doakan kami
• al-fatihah…

.:wrath:.

gather them all

my dear!!

gather them all

every big and small

gather them all

inside this hall

quick,,

gather them all

they will kill us all

my dear,,

they will kill us all

come to us they shall

they will kill us all

every short and tall

they will kill us all

scream while you can

grab what you find

think what you want

die if you don’t mind

stay away when i get mad

or else you know what you’ll get

don’t get under my skin

or else you’ll pay for your every sin

i was there when you fell

i was there when you coudn’t spell

so i will definitely be there to ring the bell

when you rot in hell!

-hellafrenzy (2008)

.:hurt:.

i was just thinking…

can we heal a wound???

when we keep on getting hurt??

the answer is NO!

sebab,,

“kite akan terus terluka walaupon tak dilukai”

and yes,,as the matter of fact,,you can’t be healed and that there is no cure for that..

tapi,,

“rase sakit akan berkurang sebab kte dah biasa dgn nye dan akhirnye akn jd x rse pape sbb ati kte da kebas”

the scar will show and we will constantly be reminded of the pain even after it doesn’t hurt anymore..

jadi,,

“tak perlulah kte pk utk bunuh dri @ nk ilang ingatan @ jadi org lain @ pape lagi yg mngarot”

sbb,,

“ble sume tu blaku kte tetap akn terluka”

“teluka sbb x mampu igt dri kte yg sbnanye dan menipu dri sndri”

remember,,

“your mind will tell you what to do but in the end,,your heart is the one to tell you if it’s right or wrong”

so,,

“follow your heart”

orang kate,,

“ikot ati mati”

tapi sekurang-kurangnye,,

“kite mati puas ati dari tros idop tanpa hala tuju”

sebab sebenarnye,,

“saye masih menanti”

“waiting for a prince who allows me to actually be there for him”

“to just let me be there for him even in his worst condition”

.:mulanya rintihan:.

aku berlari dari kenyataan

dan semua yang berkaitan

lantas ku topengkan senyuman

kerna disebalik hilai tawa

terkulai ku lemah

tertusuk lantangnya kenyataan

demi kasih yang terbaki

demi masa yang tersuntuk

demi ruang yang menyempit

menggali aku mencari

harta sepeluk

bahgia segenggam

sebolehnya ingin kubuktikan

beratnya cobaan takkan melemahkan

namun jika aku benar insan

takkan terus mata tertahan

takkan terlindung raut jiwa tertekan

kerna musykilnya hati

bukan kerna kejamnya dugaan

tapi tersepitnya rintihan

-hellafrenzy (2008)

note:

• br dpt tawu ibu kne tebuk kt leher smalam,ari ni… (sampai ati rahsiakan dr ‘Ain)

.:i hate this part:.

We’re driving slow through the snow on Fifth Avenue
And right now radio’s all that we can hear
Now we ain’t talked since we left, it’s so overdue
It’s cold outside but between us it’s worse in here

The world slows down
But my heart beats fast right now
I know this is the part
Where the end starts

I can’t take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don’t wanna try now
All that’s left’s goodbye
To find a way that I can tell you
I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can’t take your tears
I hate this part right here

Everyday, seven takes of the same old scene
Seems we’re bound by the laws of the same routine
Gotta talk to you now ‘fore we go to sleep
But will we sleep once I tell you it’s hurting me

The world slows down
But my heart beats fast right now
I know this is the part
Where the end starts

I can’t take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don’t wanna try now
All that’s left’s goodbye
To find a way that I can tell you
I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can’t take your tears
I hate this part right here

I know you’ll ask me to hold on
And carry on like nothing’s wrong
But there is no more time for lies
‘Cause I see sunset in your eyes

I can’t take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don’t wanna try now
All that’s left’s goodbye
To find a way that I can tell you

That I gotta do it
I gotta do it
I gotta do it
I hate this part
I gotta do it
I gotta do it
I gotta do it

I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can’t take these tears
I hate this part right here

.:from the bottom of my heart:.

Dear ****,,

I’m really sorry that this has happened to us. As much as I’m regretting my flaws, there’s nothing I could and can say but sorry. Unfortunately, sorry is not enough to portray of how much I wish this never happened. Things are getting out of hands, I wish our friendship is not this fragile and I know it’s not. But I really don’t know what else to do. If you are listening, please answer me because my voice has become a sarcastic echo and it’s killing my judgment.

As much as I want to let u to decide on our relationship, to forgive me or to shove me away, but I really can’t bear the fact that I’m loosing such a wonderful friend like you. The more I know you, the more u make me feel like I can go on and live my not so wonderful life with no expectation. You make me see that life doesn’t necessarily have to be wonderful but we can still be happy .Your simple hye makes me feel appreciated and I know that u never expect anything from me. You are totally different from whom I am, but u made me feel comfortable and it takes seconds to be closed to you (emotionally).

I’m extremely sorry for being irresponsible. But just so u know, it happened unintentionally. And by saying this, I don’t mean to get away from my mistake. I take responsibility of my actions, so I understand that u deserve to be mad at me. I would never want to stop being your friend,never! I definitely don’t want this to end but if it all has to end, I wish it would have ended the other way around.

I really wish that I could talk to u, but I know, that would be t0o much to ask.

So I’m writing u this, just to make u understand of how much u mean to me.

This might be a stupid letter for you, but I really want u to know that our situation has been eating me out, and I really miss you,badly..

.:kehadapan bintang jatuh:.

kehadapan bintang jatuh,

telah terkubur hati menyala,

berkecai serentak dihentak ragu,

kerna percaya tersembam muka.

berkelana mencari tersesat sendiri,

mengapa di situ tapi tak ketemu?

inikah sepi?

sering kulaung berkali-kali,

dibalas hanya bisikan peri,

akhirnya tersadung kaki,

terjelepok sendiri,

menyekat lemah langkah hati,

tersedar hakikat kini,

diselirat ku terhenti,

jawablah bintang,

jawabkan soalan ini,

benarkah cinta tiada dihati?

jika benar cinta tiada lagi,

mengapa harus kau jatuh ke sini?

jika benar cinta telah bersemadi,

mengapa harus aku begini?

*my 1st attempt for mission confession project and my first Malay poem as well

*i actually did this poem during a Kesat talk!

.:ble ibu da x terlantar:.

12.40 a.m.

..phone rings..

x: “hello,,hye ibu!!”

o: “hello”

x: “erk,,who’s this???”

o: “owh,i’m ……….(sensored) i found a handbag with this phone in it,do you know who’s phone is this??”

x: “(surprise to death) yes,in fact i do,it’s my mum’s! where did you find it??!! and thanks for calling me”

o: “at Cempaka …………….(not sure,mall or building or expo) so can you come and get it?”

x: “erkkk,,where exactly is that place??”

o: “opposite of Malacca Central”

x: “what?? (not surprise that it’s not in Johor but because my mum went shopping without me, is she really getting better??!) owh,,oke thanks a lot!”

..call my dad.. (but my mum answered)

x: “hello ibu,ibu ktne?? ibu taw x handbag ibu ktne??”

o:”hah ain, ibu nga jln2 nih, kt mlake ngn ayah, byk nye expo raye, bes shopping skng ni, ibu jalan slow2, ade banyak lagi kdai nk masok nih” (smangat dn ceria jek nada,,bia btol >.<”)

x: “owh,ayah mne?? ibu ilang handbag ke?? handphone ibu ilang?? ade org jmpe ni,,die tepon ain”

o: “handbag ibu?? alah,ade lah tu,,kt ayah,,ayah yg pgang,,nnt ibu nk ibu mntak kt ayah,,ibu nga pilih barang nih. ain tepon nombor ibu ke td?? owh,,ayah x pasan la tuh”

x: “hah??? (ape ibu ckp ni?? ini siyes taw!) ibu,,handbag ibu dah ilang lahhhhhhh,,org da jmpe kt cempaka!!! die tepon ain.. ibu x pasan ke?? dah ilang!!!”

o: “hah??!!! ilang??!! yeke??? ayah,,bag ibu ilang dah ke??

(jrit2 pnggil ayah,dan ibu tros ckp ngn ayah tanpa totop phone sbb glabah sgt,,dnga suara ayah “hah?? cempaka tu kt mne?? kte pg ke td??“)

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

well,that’s my parents when my mum is not being warded. they are so cute together. i just wish that i could see more of that than anything else,,dan buat jangka masa yang lebih lama……