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Category Archives: .:behind the baffling smile:.

ohh,,u called.. what was it about things going on back there??

disastrous. ohh,,really sorry to here that,,i really am..

ur own mother has been torturing u for what u have done to me??

that was unnecessary,,my apology.

i feel bad that u have to go through that but i guess she said nothing wrong.

n now u call me,,asking me to tell people that i’m not in any way hurt at all.

that i’m okay with everything.

ayah,,u might as well need to consider thinking before u talk.

i don’t scream at your face doesn’t make what i feel go away.

it doesn’t mean that life is easier.

it doesn’t make what ever u did and still doing okay to me..

no,,not at all ayah..

but yes,,i’m really sorry that u have to get through that.

that u have to face that humiliation.

that was so uncalled for,,n i wish it did not happen to you.

this last bit of thought i have for you,,i don’t even know what is it called.

it may be love,,or perhaps responsibility to be born your offspring.

i’m hoping for better life,,i hope u allow me t0o.

cuz i’m praying the same for you.

my tears told you everything ayah,,u should have known..

i was trying hard to make things easier for you.

to let u go on with your life even if it hurts me.

i say none to others and act plain in front of you.

god knows how tormenting it is to live near you and still be invisible to you.

but still,,i serve as your daughter,,my obligation,,my gift,,to u.

i must say,,u now notice me physically.

but i remain invisible to you emotionally.

ayah,,life was hard with you in the picture,,but i guess i can never erase u..

that’s not what i should do neither do i want it to..

it’s really scary that i feel love from them..

it’s pathetic when i’m afraid to lose that..

when theirs are not mine,,or whatsoever..

i just wish that every bit of this life would make our journey more or less together.

because u were in the plan even though u were not in the ride.

i’m running out of will to tell you this,,i’m running out if wit to clean up the mess..

so now,,i’m begging u…

to spell if you really cannot read,,to crawl if you really can’t walk..

this heart i have beats from yours..

but i wonder why mine doesn’t beat as fast..

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sdang taip2 assignment,,tbe2 t’igt..
td ayah call soh bli kn bakal tunang die air ECPI 4 botol..
siap bg taw mne nk cr n no phone pembekal in case x dpt cari kt kdai..
aiyakk,,bulan ni da lari bajet,,banyakkk sgt smpai tpakse bersusa payah nk mkn buka puasa..
nk ckp da xde dwet,,x tercakap plak..
maka mengira dwet dr tabung botol susu.. T.T
dwett singgit2 yg berlipat cbe di kire dgn prasaan sayu..
*mcm x smpai rm32 jekk >.>>…<<<”

1st tym tsala bajet n btol2 rse sesak..
cmne nk mnabong utk mse dpan??
come on ‘iN,,u cn do this!!

bertabah!!
2 taun lagi,,blaja bsungguh2 n try adapting to this life..
then u’ll be working hard,,get married n off to the states for masters n a happy ending!!
go go go!!

note: as much as i don’t thing my mum’s money would do good to me,,i do pray to God that i’ll be blessed with a lot of money during the hearing..
tamak ke??
mungkin..
tp part of me rse mungkin lg lega klo i got what my mum has been earning hard,,for me..
at least,,every sweat n her sleepless nights are worth it..

ohh ye,,ayah plak nk tunang raye ni..
1st raye tnapa ibu..
1st b’day tanpa ibu..
how the hell did this slip off everyone’s mind??
xpe lah.
mungkin saye nmpk tlampau tabah smpai sme pon x sensitip lngsong..

ye baekkk!!
‘Ain igt kata2 ibu slalu..
“‘Ain mcm ibu,,tabah sgt,,kte kuat!!”,,then kte nanges dlm hati same2 smbil tlan air liur yg kring..
life was hard back then,,n it’s still hard ibu..
rest in peace,,dun wori..
i got this! ūüôā

Al- Fatihah.

i was just thinking…

can we heal a wound???

when we keep on getting hurt??

the answer is NO!

sebab,,

“kite akan terus terluka walaupon tak dilukai”

and yes,,as the matter of fact,,you can’t be healed and that there is no cure for that..

tapi,,

“rase sakit akan berkurang sebab kte dah biasa dgn nye dan akhirnye akn jd x rse pape sbb ati kte da kebas”

the scar will show and we will constantly be reminded of the pain even after it doesn’t hurt anymore..

jadi,,

“tak perlulah kte pk utk bunuh dri @ nk ilang ingatan @ jadi org lain @ pape lagi yg mngarot”

sbb,,

“ble sume tu blaku kte tetap akn terluka”

“teluka sbb x mampu igt dri kte yg sbnanye dan menipu dri sndri”

remember,,

“your mind will tell you what to do but in the end,,your heart is the one to tell you if it’s right or wrong”

so,,

“follow your heart”

orang kate,,

“ikot ati mati”

tapi sekurang-kurangnye,,

“kite mati puas ati dari tros idop tanpa hala tuju”

sebab sebenarnye,,

“saye masih menanti”

“waiting for a prince who allows me to actually be there for him”

“to just let me be there for him even in his worst condition”

We’re driving slow through the snow on Fifth Avenue
And right now radio’s all that we can hear
Now we ain’t talked since we left, it’s so overdue
It’s cold outside but between us it’s worse in here

The world slows down
But my heart beats fast right now
I know this is the part
Where the end starts

I can’t take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don’t wanna try now
All that’s left’s goodbye
To find a way that I can tell you
I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can’t take your tears
I hate this part right here

Everyday, seven takes of the same old scene
Seems we’re bound by the laws of the same routine
Gotta talk to you now ‘fore we go to sleep
But will we sleep once I tell you it’s hurting me

The world slows down
But my heart beats fast right now
I know this is the part
Where the end starts

I can’t take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don’t wanna try now
All that’s left’s goodbye
To find a way that I can tell you
I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can’t take your tears
I hate this part right here

I know you’ll ask me to hold on
And carry on like nothing’s wrong
But there is no more time for lies
‘Cause I see sunset in your eyes

I can’t take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don’t wanna try now
All that’s left’s goodbye
To find a way that I can tell you

That I gotta do it
I gotta do it
I gotta do it
I hate this part
I gotta do it
I gotta do it
I gotta do it

I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can’t take these tears
I hate this part right here

~phone rang~

i picked up the phone..

owh,,it was uncle fendi!

 ~line was interrupted,,disconnected~

remembered something,,uncle was at Kampong,,so did ibu… had something happened to ibu???

quickly called ayah,,could not reach him..

started to freak out!  

kept on calling ayah,,calls from uncle were coming in,,ignored him!!! (i needed to hear it from ayah,,not anyone else!)

prayed hard,,kept fingers crossed!

finally got through ayah’s phone.. asked for ibu,,but he said that she was taking a rest while getting¬†a massage from Mak Long (should i trust him??) didn’t want to make things hard for anyone,,just¬†took whatever he said as it was..

quickly called uncle fendi,,discovered that he¬†called just¬†to ask for my bank account number.. (he’s sending me some cash to buy new clothes for me and my parents this eid) thanks uncle,,but you nearly got me a heart attack!

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

i never really am¬†aware of this,,people do care about me.. they can still see through me,,no matter how hard i try to hide my pain.. i’m swept away,,‘thank you’ can never be enough to show my gratitude.. for everyone who has been really understanding and supporting,,thanks for not making things hard for me,,thanks for treating me like any other friends and allow me to stay cheerful in denial of grieve.. thanks for¬†understanding that i just want to live my life like¬†others and take¬†all¬†hardships in life as¬†the alarm that will constantly wake me up..¬†

i’ll always¬†step forward,never turning back,,if i were to correct myself,,i’ll just switch lane

to stay strong, it takes more than courage..

to stay strong, it takes more than time..

to stay strong, it takes more than me…

seriously, answer me…

how do you become who you are today?

what have you been going through that makes you so strong and positive?

do you think you’ve gone through everything that you could go through to get wise about life?

have you made thousands of mistakes and learnt from every single of it?

have you gotten rid of your regrets?

so many questions and yet¬†so little time…

Last Mei, was my most excruciating final examination where i lost my appetite and threw up almost all the time. i got sick, often lost stability and my left arm was swollen..

i thought¬†they were¬†just normal signs of severe depression and ignored those symptoms. i lived my life, i tried my best to look healthy, and hid¬†everything from others because¬†i thought that¬†i was becoming¬† bulimic and i didn’t want my friends to scold me..

after the final examination, i went back to my hometown. still, my condition got worst each day. i didn’t want to let my parents know¬†about my sickness because my mother was¬†not well and i didn’t want to be a burden to any of them. unfortunately,¬†my condition was so critical until i couldn’t pretend anymore.¬†i gave up and that was when my parents¬†noticed it and quickly brought me to¬†Putra Specialist Hospital for an urgent checkup. ¬†¬†¬†

surprisingly, i was told that i need a surgery immediately done to remove a lump near my left breast before it gets too late. the surgery was quickly scheduled for the following week and everything went well except for the surgery to be more complicated than it was supposed to be. i think it was simply because the lump was always there since the last 7 years of my life or more. (yes, i knew i had a lump since 7 years ago and never really cared to tell my parents) As the result, the scar is longer and i need more time for recovery as well as higher chance of getting any kinds of complications from the surgery.

i was discharged from the hospital the next day of the surgery and of course the pain was killing me. on the 6th day after the surgery, my mother¬†was admitted to¬†a hospital. i¬†think it was partly my fault because¬†she took so many trouble to take care of me¬†instead of her health.¬†i was helpless, i couldn’t even get up from bed on my own and now my mother who was the only one who could take care of me was being warded. my father was torn. thus, he took me to the same hospital as my mother so that he could take care of us both. he couldn’t even eat much because he had to be the only person who is physically and emotionally strong.

sometimes it’s easier to just play cool and pretend that i’m okay, put on a happy face and smile to everyone.¬†but¬†i realize that i could never¬†lie to myself and it was really not an easy thing to go through alone. i could not tell my¬†parents of how sorry i was for causing all the trouble. i could not say to my mother of how much i was afraid of losing her each night. i could not forget¬†that very night when¬†i ask my mother of¬†why she didn’t go to sleep¬†and she replied –>ibu takot ibu terlupa nak bernafas kalo ibu tdo malam ni

going back to Shah Alam, i tell myself that i will¬†stay strong and live every second of my life like it’s the last breath that i take. every step is the march towards¬†a better tomorrow. i refuse to surrender, i refuse to be sad, i refuse to give in, i refuse to get mad..

it has been three months now, and my mother is still in the hospital for intensive treatment and my scar still hurts. i still have sleepless nights. i still cry each time i call my parents at the hospital, and i’m still putting myself up together..

being childish is one way for me to escape from my true feelings insight. it is also for me to believe that I AM really happy, that nothing will wash away this smile from my face. nothing at all!!!

dear babe,

it’s funny how we met,,we laughed,,we cried,,we shared,,we cared,,and now we are apart,,but still do all that,,and how understanding you are of my pain from our relationship and the one after that..

we met years before we ever known each other,,we stared at each other from afar,,and that very one night i saw you,,i have always remembered you as a stranger who’s always on my mind,,might it be because we were meant to meet again as what we are now..

i’d like to think so…

it’s awkward to know that you have known me years before i even noticed you,,but the fact that you were there looking at me was always refreshing…

i never regret spending 3 years, 1 month, and 2 weeks being yours,,all the things we shared have turned us into a part of each other’s life…

we were having a lot of issues and things were getting out of hands,,but you never really given up on us,,just so you know babe,,i really appreciate that..

it’s great cause we are undeniably close when we are being non-exclusive,,no term of declaration needed but we know that we got each other,,always..

i’m grateful that we have now come to the point where we know what is best for us,,and thank god,,you never really leave..

(jordin sparks-tattoo)

dear prince charming,

you were always dear to my heart as a close friend of mine,,it’s undeniable that i have always felt some kind of strong connection towards you but i never would have thought that we could ever be more than that…

it’s funny how we were so together before we got the title,,before u told me that u loved me,,before i belonged to you,,it’s weird how things change in a split of a second,,so do your decisions..

irony as it is,,we were struggling for blessings and all,,just to fight for our love,,but once we got what we were looking for,,it all instantly disappeared,,including our love..

and now,,

we meet everyday,,i can see you walk,,i can hear you laugh,,i can stare at you when you are drawing during classes,,i can feel your presence,,but i can also feel the distance that is drifting us apart…

105 days together with you has brought me to my ultimate fairy tale life,,you were my prince charming and you didn’t even have to try..

it’s really sad that people try to get me away from you,,knowing that i would eventually be left alone,,even though it’s proven true,,i still wish that they could actually see how happy i was when we were together…

but babe,,i will always be putri,,with or without you..

(leona lewis-bleeding love)

now that it all has turned into my precious past,,i keep on telling myself that it all just another meaningful lesson for me to learn and be better..

well,,it is!

thanks for everything,,all the memories and still be here in my life circle,,even though it is hurtful,,but i could never imagine if things were not as they were..

looking back,,i’m so glad that i live this life,,no matter what comes,,no matter how badly hurt i am,,no matter how hard it is,,it is all worth it

(leona lewis-better in time)

[sorry for the inconvenience :)]

[copy the url from the video menu to watch the video and listen to the lyrics]

[they are specially dedicated to those people in my life –> tattoo(babe),,bleeding love(P.C.)]

[better in time is my latest motivation song :D]

ql.jpg

I had a dream, a very strange one, in which it gives me a sign, a very deep yet meaningful sign. it’s like the inner me has arisen and wake me up through my dream. (deep,huh)

In the dream, i was a single parent with 4 kids. a pair of grown up teens and two little boys aged 3 & 5 years old. it was like a family vacation where we went out and spent time together. but there was this guy, not sure of his age but it seems like i was trying to force myself to marry him cause i think he would be a good father to my kids and complete their lives. but i’m positive that i was not into him at all! the vacation was to see if my kids can really accept that man in their lives.

On our way back home from the vacation, we were all in the car when suddenly my youngest son said something.

“mama, u don’t smell the same”

i was surprised! then i asked him why. that innocent looking boy answered,

“you used to put on that perfume more than 1 spray, that perfume”

(pointing to the perfume on the dashboard)

it was just several simple lines from him, but it made me realized of how much i’ had neglected my kids and even myself. i was still in the dream when i realized this. then, i looked at all of my kids. all i see was their gloomy eyes. the eyes that were like asking me to be fair to ourselves. suddenly, i heard someone saying something, and that was again, danish, my youngest son.

“mama, danish miss you…”

then, i woke up,abruptly.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

I am obviously have never been married, what’s more to have any children on my own. logically, this dream is not related to me at all. dream, in general, might be just an entertainment of sleep to others. but i am a thinker. a very active thinker! i take note of every little things in life and reflect.

well, that dream really gives a huge impact on me. in a way that it helps me to understand myself better. it’s a sign from within. a message to ponder.

i believe that my children in the dream were the other me. the other me that lie inside just like my soul, voices that always join me in my monologues, as well as my imaginary friends. invisible but exist!

i ‘m jealous of my friends, right after their breakups, they can simply flirt with other guys, open up and let new persons to know them better. no doubt, that really makes them happy and helps them to move on. unfortunately, i’m not one of them. i try to, but i’ll always end up feeling terribly insecure and run away. (pathetic,huh) *sigh*

 

 

but i had decided to be like them, to be more flexible and let new guys to get closer. and again,,i failed,, i’m lost,, i was all over the place. i kept on trying and failing and trying again,,just to fail. =.=”

but this particular dream had just woken me up. i’m done forcing myself expecting that i’ll be happy like the others are. i’m done struggling. i’m done failing. i’m just done with everything. i was busy struggling until i forget what is important – myself!

the concern here is not to move on but to live life optimally. i was preoccupied with the “moving on” thingy until i don’t really take good care of myself, internally. i guess that can sometimes show from how much weight i’ve lost after the separation,lol. it’s unnoticeable but yes,, i’ve lost 6kg after 2 months being dumped with totally no effort! i mean for a girl who has been struggling with weight problem for half of her life, that’s undeniably impressive! (i guess that’s a good news though)

so now, i will try to follow the flow. i’ll take it day by day, bit by bit, and spend as much time i need to pick up all those pieces and put my heart back together.

may i find what i’ve been looking for and be the person i am! amin………

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

*i’ve just finished reading a graphic novel a.k.a comic about love (it’s one of my hobbies),,CEBISAN KEAJAIBAN,,well that helps t0o!*

3202783129.jpg
Look at the rain,
Hear the drops,
You’ll feel the pain,
Even after it stops.
Look at the dog,
Listen when it barks,
Telling stories of the untold,
A song in the eerie night.
Stare at those stars,
Wondering why they are dim,
Searching for the reason,
The one that loses its sparks.
hellafrenzy, 2008

feather_angel_wings.jpg

Bersedialah jiwa,

Untuk hidupku yang selebih nya,

Takkan kedengaran suaranya lagi,

Takkan terlihat bayangnya lagi,

Takkan terimbas hangat cintanya lagi,

Takkan kusedar makna bahagia lagi…

hellafrenzy, 2008

Here comes my first official ‘sajak‘ (poem) in Bahasa Malaysia, *clap clap clap*

Let me translate it in English, for those who can’t understand Bahasa Malaysia. (i think i have readers who are not Malaysian) *wink*

feather_angel_wings1.jpg

Be prepared oh dear soul,

For the remaining moments of my life,

There will be no more of his sounds,

There will be no more of his shadow,

There will be no more of his warmth,

There will be no more of happiness…

hellafrenzy, 2008