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i was just thinking…

can we heal a wound???

when we keep on getting hurt??

the answer is NO!

sebab,,

“kite akan terus terluka walaupon tak dilukai”

and yes,,as the matter of fact,,you can’t be healed and that there is no cure for that..

tapi,,

“rase sakit akan berkurang sebab kte dah biasa dgn nye dan akhirnye akn jd x rse pape sbb ati kte da kebas”

the scar will show and we will constantly be reminded of the pain even after it doesn’t hurt anymore..

jadi,,

“tak perlulah kte pk utk bunuh dri @ nk ilang ingatan @ jadi org lain @ pape lagi yg mngarot”

sbb,,

“ble sume tu blaku kte tetap akn terluka”

“teluka sbb x mampu igt dri kte yg sbnanye dan menipu dri sndri”

remember,,

“your mind will tell you what to do but in the end,,your heart is the one to tell you if it’s right or wrong”

so,,

“follow your heart”

orang kate,,

“ikot ati mati”

tapi sekurang-kurangnye,,

“kite mati puas ati dari tros idop tanpa hala tuju”

sebab sebenarnye,,

“saye masih menanti”

“waiting for a prince who allows me to actually be there for him”

“to just let me be there for him even in his worst condition”

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aku berlari dari kenyataan

dan semua yang berkaitan

lantas ku topengkan senyuman

kerna disebalik hilai tawa

terkulai ku lemah

tertusuk lantangnya kenyataan

demi kasih yang terbaki

demi masa yang tersuntuk

demi ruang yang menyempit

menggali aku mencari

harta sepeluk

bahgia segenggam

sebolehnya ingin kubuktikan

beratnya cobaan takkan melemahkan

namun jika aku benar insan

takkan terus mata tertahan

takkan terlindung raut jiwa tertekan

kerna musykilnya hati

bukan kerna kejamnya dugaan

tapi tersepitnya rintihan

-hellafrenzy (2008)

note:

  • br dpt tawu ibu kne tebuk kt leher smalam,ari ni… (sampai ati rahsiakan dr ‘Ain)

We’re driving slow through the snow on Fifth Avenue
And right now radio’s all that we can hear
Now we ain’t talked since we left, it’s so overdue
It’s cold outside but between us it’s worse in here

The world slows down
But my heart beats fast right now
I know this is the part
Where the end starts

I can’t take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don’t wanna try now
All that’s left’s goodbye
To find a way that I can tell you
I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can’t take your tears
I hate this part right here

Everyday, seven takes of the same old scene
Seems we’re bound by the laws of the same routine
Gotta talk to you now ‘fore we go to sleep
But will we sleep once I tell you it’s hurting me

The world slows down
But my heart beats fast right now
I know this is the part
Where the end starts

I can’t take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don’t wanna try now
All that’s left’s goodbye
To find a way that I can tell you
I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can’t take your tears
I hate this part right here

I know you’ll ask me to hold on
And carry on like nothing’s wrong
But there is no more time for lies
‘Cause I see sunset in your eyes

I can’t take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through our fingers
I don’t wanna try now
All that’s left’s goodbye
To find a way that I can tell you

That I gotta do it
I gotta do it
I gotta do it
I hate this part
I gotta do it
I gotta do it
I gotta do it

I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can’t take these tears
I hate this part right here

Dear ****,,

I’m really sorry that this has happened to us. As much as I’m regretting my flaws, there’s nothing I could and can say but sorry. Unfortunately, sorry is not enough to portray of how much I wish this never happened. Things are getting out of hands, I wish our friendship is not this fragile and I know it’s not. But I really don’t know what else to do. If you are listening, please answer me because my voice has become a sarcastic echo and it’s killing my judgment.

As much as I want to let u to decide on our relationship, to forgive me or to shove me away, but I really can’t bear the fact that I’m loosing such a wonderful friend like you. The more I know you, the more u make me feel like I can go on and live my not so wonderful life with no expectation. You make me see that life doesn’t necessarily have to be wonderful but we can still be happy .Your simple hye makes me feel appreciated and I know that u never expect anything from me. You are totally different from whom I am, but u made me feel comfortable and it takes seconds to be closed to you (emotionally).

I’m extremely sorry for being irresponsible. But just so u know, it happened unintentionally. And by saying this, I don’t mean to get away from my mistake. I take responsibility of my actions, so I understand that u deserve to be mad at me. I would never want to stop being your friend,never! I definitely don’t want this to end but if it all has to end, I wish it would have ended the other way around.

I really wish that I could talk to u, but I know, that would be t0o much to ask.

So I’m writing u this, just to make u understand of how much u mean to me.

This might be a stupid letter for you, but I really want u to know that our situation has been eating me out, and I really miss you,badly..

kehadapan bintang jatuh,

telah terkubur hati menyala,

berkecai serentak dihentak ragu,

kerna percaya tersembam muka.

berkelana mencari tersesat sendiri,

mengapa di situ tapi tak ketemu?

inikah sepi?

sering kulaung berkali-kali,

dibalas hanya bisikan peri,

akhirnya tersadung kaki,

terjelepok sendiri,

menyekat lemah langkah hati,

tersedar hakikat kini,

diselirat ku terhenti,

jawablah bintang,

jawabkan soalan ini,

benarkah cinta tiada dihati?

jika benar cinta tiada lagi,

mengapa harus kau jatuh ke sini?

jika benar cinta telah bersemadi,

mengapa harus aku begini?

*my 1st attempt for mission confession project and my first Malay poem as well

*i actually did this poem during a Kesat talk! 😀

12.40 a.m.

..phone rings..

x: “hello,,hye ibu!!”

o: “hello”

x: “erk,,who’s this???”

o: “owh,i’m ……….(sensored) i found a handbag with this phone in it,do you know who’s phone is this??”

x: “(surprise to death) yes,in fact i do,it’s my mum’s! where did you find it??!! and thanks for calling me”

o: “at Cempaka …………….(not sure,mall or building or expo) so can you come and get it?”

x: “erkkk,,where exactly is that place??”

o: “opposite of Malacca Central”

x: “what?? (not surprise that it’s not in Johor but because my mum went shopping without me, is she really getting better??!) owh,,oke thanks a lot!”

..call my dad.. (but my mum answered)

x: “hello ibu,ibu ktne?? ibu taw x handbag ibu ktne??”

o:”hah ain, ibu nga jln2 nih, kt mlake ngn ayah, byk nye expo raye, bes shopping skng ni, ibu jalan slow2, ade banyak lagi kdai nk masok nih” (smangat dn ceria jek nada,,bia btol >.<“)

x: “owh,ayah mne?? ibu ilang handbag ke?? handphone ibu ilang?? ade org jmpe ni,,die tepon ain”

o: “handbag ibu?? alah,ade lah tu,,kt ayah,,ayah yg pgang,,nnt ibu nk ibu mntak kt ayah,,ibu nga pilih barang nih. ain tepon nombor ibu ke td?? owh,,ayah x pasan la tuh”

x: “hah??? (ape ibu ckp ni?? ini siyes taw!) ibu,,handbag ibu dah ilang lahhhhhhh,,org da jmpe kt cempaka!!! die tepon ain.. ibu x pasan ke?? dah ilang!!!”

o: “hah??!!! ilang??!! yeke??? ayah,,bag ibu ilang dah ke??

(jrit2 pnggil ayah,dan ibu tros ckp ngn ayah tanpa totop phone sbb glabah sgt,,dnga suara ayah “hah?? cempaka tu kt mne?? kte pg ke td??)

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

well,that’s my parents when my mum is not being warded. they are so cute together. i just wish that i could see more of that than anything else,,dan buat jangka masa yang lebih lama……

Do you hear me,
I’m talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky oh my, baby I’m trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Oooohhhhoohhhhohhooohhooohhooohoooh

They don’t know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I’ll wait for you I promise you, I will

I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I’m lucky we’re in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I’m sailing through the sea
To an island where we’ll meet
You’ll hear the music, fell the air
I put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you’re all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I’m lucky we’re in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

~phone rang~

i picked up the phone..

owh,,it was uncle fendi!

 ~line was interrupted,,disconnected~

remembered something,,uncle was at Kampong,,so did ibu… had something happened to ibu???

quickly called ayah,,could not reach him..

started to freak out!  

kept on calling ayah,,calls from uncle were coming in,,ignored him!!! (i needed to hear it from ayah,,not anyone else!)

prayed hard,,kept fingers crossed!

finally got through ayah’s phone.. asked for ibu,,but he said that she was taking a rest while getting a massage from Mak Long (should i trust him??) didn’t want to make things hard for anyone,,just took whatever he said as it was..

quickly called uncle fendi,,discovered that he called just to ask for my bank account number.. (he’s sending me some cash to buy new clothes for me and my parents this eid) thanks uncle,,but you nearly got me a heart attack!

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

i never really am aware of this,,people do care about me.. they can still see through me,,no matter how hard i try to hide my pain.. i’m swept away,,‘thank you’ can never be enough to show my gratitude.. for everyone who has been really understanding and supporting,,thanks for not making things hard for me,,thanks for treating me like any other friends and allow me to stay cheerful in denial of grieve.. thanks for understanding that i just want to live my life like others and take all hardships in life as the alarm that will constantly wake me up.. 

i’ll always step forward,never turning back,,if i were to correct myself,,i’ll just switch lane

just woke up from my two hours nap (can i still call it a nap??), feeling fooled by the clock (why does time have to be so quick?? slow down dude!~) check out my ym and close all ym windows (why do people have to buzz me and then sign out?? i suspect a conspiracy going on..)

going back to my bed, turn off my mp3 player (it’s not working well anymore,,how i wish i got a cute new mp3 player for my birthday next week =.=”)

quickly grab my towel and get into the toilet.. take all the toiletries and put it on the wash bowl,,stop,,and stare (literally).. Dove: straight and silky, (owh, i’ve been using this for t0o long already).. put it back to its place and quickly get back to room and open up the goodie bag (the one that i got from the Sunsilk audition). take those bottles and stare (again) Sunsilk: smooth and silky,,Sunsilk: strengthening,,Sunsilk style: straight and sleek (too many choices for someone who just woke up from bed =.=”) managed to make a decision –> the pink coloured bottle (Sunsilk: smooth and silky,,i guess,,my hair just need to stay smooth and silky)

..take a shower..

surprise!!! (wow,this thing really smells good!) i wonder why i had not tried Sunsilk product before..oh, i know,,people claim that it’s gonna make hair become frizzy and hard to manage (well,of course,it does not feel as soft as after i washed it with Dove,,but we’ll see,,i guess i’m risking my hair because i like the smell,,hahaha) and it still smells good right now!

i’m very particular when it comes to shampoo (well,,good manageable hair can boost up my confidence!)..

 as far as i can remember,,i have only used recommended salon signature shampoos (when i got my hair permed or straightened), Johnsons and Johnsons, Clairol herbal essence, Tresemme, Pantene, Dove, etc. etc. (i can’t really remember all) but certainly not Sunsilk and Rejoice (i mean, not yet,,because from now on,,i’m gonna give it all a fair chance!)

personal hair care tips:

  • change your shampoo according to your current hair condition
  • use only serum instead of conditioner + mask + leave on hair cream (only work for shoulder length and shorter hair)
  • you can take advice from others but wisely apply those advice because in the end of the day, it’s your hair and you know your hair more than anyone else does!  (plus,,you are the one who will suffer on your bad hair day,,not them!

i joined facebook long ago and instantly got addicted to it!!! but there were some incidents and awkward situations happened between some of my acquaintances (please note that word –> acquaintances) and me  that forced me to stop using facebook and moved my focus away.

(well,i could have deleted them from the list but i didn’t really know how to,and still have no clue,hahaha)

but recently, i’m back to facebook..

n guess what! i was lost in my own profile!

i was like, whoa! what is this thing?? c0ol,,it’s different now! and then i was like,,erkkkk,,how do i see my picture? this button is for what? and owh,,how do i feed my fluffy pet?? let’s see,,if i push this thing,what will happen?? wow,i have a baby!! but where does he come from??! and seriously,, Louis Vuitton??!!!

(gosh,am i an IT illiterate or what?!!)