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I had a dream, a very strange one, in which it gives me a sign, a very deep yet meaningful sign. it’s like the inner me has arisen and wake me up through my dream. (deep,huh)

In the dream, i was a single parent with 4 kids. a pair of grown up teens and two little boys aged 3 & 5 years old. it was like a family vacation where we went out and spent time together. but there was this guy, not sure of his age but it seems like i was trying to force myself to marry him cause i think he would be a good father to my kids and complete their lives. but i’m positive that i was not into him at all! the vacation was to see if my kids can really accept that man in their lives.

On our way back home from the vacation, we were all in the car when suddenly my youngest son said something.

“mama, u don’t smell the same”

i was surprised! then i asked him why. that innocent looking boy answered,

“you used to put on that perfume more than 1 spray, that perfume”

(pointing to the perfume on the dashboard)

it was just several simple lines from him, but it made me realized of how much i’ had neglected my kids and even myself. i was still in the dream when i realized this. then, i looked at all of my kids. all i see was their gloomy eyes. the eyes that were like asking me to be fair to ourselves. suddenly, i heard someone saying something, and that was again, danish, my youngest son.

“mama, danish miss you…”

then, i woke up,abruptly.

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I am obviously have never been married, what’s more to have any children on my own. logically, this dream is not related to me at all. dream, in general, might be just an entertainment of sleep to others. but i am a thinker. a very active thinker! i take note of every little things in life and reflect.

well, that dream really gives a huge impact on me. in a way that it helps me to understand myself better. it’s a sign from within. a message to ponder.

i believe that my children in the dream were the other me. the other me that lie inside just like my soul, voices that always join me in my monologues, as well as my imaginary friends. invisible but exist!

i ‘m jealous of my friends, right after their breakups, they can simply flirt with other guys, open up and let new persons to know them better. no doubt, that really makes them happy and helps them to move on. unfortunately, i’m not one of them. i try to, but i’ll always end up feeling terribly insecure and run away. (pathetic,huh) *sigh*

 

 

but i had decided to be like them, to be more flexible and let new guys to get closer. and again,,i failed,, i’m lost,, i was all over the place. i kept on trying and failing and trying again,,just to fail. =.=”

but this particular dream had just woken me up. i’m done forcing myself expecting that i’ll be happy like the others are. i’m done struggling. i’m done failing. i’m just done with everything. i was busy struggling until i forget what is important – myself!

the concern here is not to move on but to live life optimally. i was preoccupied with the “moving on” thingy until i don’t really take good care of myself, internally. i guess that can sometimes show from how much weight i’ve lost after the separation,lol. it’s unnoticeable but yes,, i’ve lost 6kg after 2 months being dumped with totally no effort! i mean for a girl who has been struggling with weight problem for half of her life, that’s undeniably impressive! (i guess that’s a good news though)

so now, i will try to follow the flow. i’ll take it day by day, bit by bit, and spend as much time i need to pick up all those pieces and put my heart back together.

may i find what i’ve been looking for and be the person i am! amin………

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*i’ve just finished reading a graphic novel a.k.a comic about love (it’s one of my hobbies),,CEBISAN KEAJAIBAN,,well that helps t0o!*

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Last night, i spent the night out with a couple of friends, hang out at Laundry, The Curve while waiting for the movie to start at 2.15 a.m.

Tanx friends for being considerate and come to rescue when i’m down. i called my mum to tell her that i was going to Damansara and hang out with my friends for the entire night. As always, she said okay and asked me to take good care of myself. (ibu,,tanx for understanding and believing in your daughter more than she herself does!)

Venue : Laundry, The Curve & Cineleisure Damansara.

This is officially the first time after the poignant incident that i ever go out and hang out for the entire night. I was always a nocturnal person and still am.

Night is the time when i’m most productive and inspired. Unfortunate enough, after some ill-fated events that took place in my life, i lost my identity and struggling to define myself. Consequently, i stop myself from going out even when persuasively asked by some of my friends who know how much i’m suffering from the incident. i’m down, especially when i’m trying to deny myself and try to fix who i really am. but i guess it’s worth the try and now i know that i can never be someone else!

some might ask why would i do that? forbidding myself from being the girl who i really am and purposely make my life miserable for that. well fellas, i have some past experiences that told me : ‘no one can ever keep up with me, my life, my friends, my dreams, and basically, MYSELF!”

i lost lots of entities in my life for what i am. they don’t know me but still accuse and blame me,, and eventually get away from me. when i say i hang out with friends at night and have fun, they would assume me being in the club drinking and partying. *sigh* heyy,,i can always just have my supper and laugh my lungs out!

Last two nights, (the night i posted the post ‘sayang, putri misses you’ ) i cry my heart out and crashed again. Frustrating indeed, after 3 months of struggling, i still can’t get over it. i’m still haunted by the fear, and the memories. i’m still reaching out for the answer. i’m still baffled! *double sigh*

Talking bout the movie, 27 Dresses makes me wonder.. what i need the most in my life,, in terms of love and belonging. do i want to be loved and belonged to anyone in particular? do i need a wedding or a marriage? the answer is, yes, perhaps i need it all. but now that i realize one thing; i need the happiness more than the declaration of love. i need to feel the love more than to define the love itself..

i want to be exactly like this: th_funny.gif

still you & me not you @ me

still you & me not you, me, & her

still you & me not you @ him

still you & me not me, myself, & i……

to be continued! 

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What would you do if this is the last time you see a star?

Just what would you do if this is the last time you see a rainbow?

Are you gonna stay and cry helplessly?

Or are you gonna preserve and smile in front of mummy?

 

 

Who would you turn to if you ever get lost?

And just to whom would you give your last attributes and flaws?

Will you let them go when you know it’s for good?

Or would you confess your little secret in mute?

 

 

With what reason would you lie to hide those tears?

What kind of apology would you ask to make it turn around?

So where would you keep all those cloudy memories?

When everything in front is merely invisible debris?

 

 

 

 

When time drags you down to your darkest moment,

Would you run?

Or would you freeze?

 

 

 

 

When the first thing you get is the last thing you want,

The last thing you need is the first thing you hunt,

Perhaps, these littlest things mean nothing to you,

Just as much as the tiny hole in a canoe,

 

 

 

 

Neglected till regret!

 

 

hellafrenzy, 2008

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Look at the rain,
Hear the drops,
You’ll feel the pain,
Even after it stops.
Look at the dog,
Listen when it barks,
Telling stories of the untold,
A song in the eerie night.
Stare at those stars,
Wondering why they are dim,
Searching for the reason,
The one that loses its sparks.
hellafrenzy, 2008

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Bersedialah jiwa,

Untuk hidupku yang selebih nya,

Takkan kedengaran suaranya lagi,

Takkan terlihat bayangnya lagi,

Takkan terimbas hangat cintanya lagi,

Takkan kusedar makna bahagia lagi…

hellafrenzy, 2008

Here comes my first official ‘sajak‘ (poem) in Bahasa Malaysia, *clap clap clap*

Let me translate it in English, for those who can’t understand Bahasa Malaysia. (i think i have readers who are not Malaysian) *wink*

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Be prepared oh dear soul,

For the remaining moments of my life,

There will be no more of his sounds,

There will be no more of his shadow,

There will be no more of his warmth,

There will be no more of happiness…

hellafrenzy, 2008

 

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It’s not that i don’t try or even love to cry,

But i’m impede to fly by your simple hye.

 

Perhaps, these eyes are meant only to stare,

As love is what we are never going to share.

 

At times, my heart is frantic to say,

How i wish this feeling will eventually mislay.

 

For you, i shove each love from heart,

Yet i’m lost in endeavor to disregard.

 

If seeing me in pain makes you less a man,

Then i’d rather have you not to look at me again.

 

Is it true, your heart really is incapable to see?

How i’m struggling to remember what it’s like to be happy.

 

 

-hellafrenzy (2008)