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I had a dream, a very strange one, in which it gives me a sign, a very deep yet meaningful sign. it’s like the inner me has arisen and wake me up through my dream. (deep,huh)

In the dream, i was a single parent with 4 kids. a pair of grown up teens and two little boys aged 3 & 5 years old. it was like a family vacation where we went out and spent time together. but there was this guy, not sure of his age but it seems like i was trying to force myself to marry him cause i think he would be a good father to my kids and complete their lives. but i’m positive that i was not into him at all! the vacation was to see if my kids can really accept that man in their lives.

On our way back home from the vacation, we were all in the car when suddenly my youngest son said something.

“mama, u don’t smell the same”

i was surprised! then i asked him why. that innocent looking boy answered,

“you used to put on that perfume more than 1 spray, that perfume”

(pointing to the perfume on the dashboard)

it was just several simple lines from him, but it made me realized of how much i’ had neglected my kids and even myself. i was still in the dream when i realized this. then, i looked at all of my kids. all i see was their gloomy eyes. the eyes that were like asking me to be fair to ourselves. suddenly, i heard someone saying something, and that was again, danish, my youngest son.

“mama, danish miss you…”

then, i woke up,abruptly.

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I am obviously have never been married, what’s more to have any children on my own. logically, this dream is not related to me at all. dream, in general, might be just an entertainment of sleep to others. but i am a thinker. a very active thinker! i take note of every little things in life and reflect.

well, that dream really gives a huge impact on me. in a way that it helps me to understand myself better. it’s a sign from within. a message to ponder.

i believe that my children in the dream were the other me. the other me that lie inside just like my soul, voices that always join me in my monologues, as well as my imaginary friends. invisible but exist!

i ‘m jealous of my friends, right after their breakups, they can simply flirt with other guys, open up and let new persons to know them better. no doubt, that really makes them happy and helps them to move on. unfortunately, i’m not one of them. i try to, but i’ll always end up feeling terribly insecure and run away. (pathetic,huh) *sigh*

 

 

but i had decided to be like them, to be more flexible and let new guys to get closer. and again,,i failed,, i’m lost,, i was all over the place. i kept on trying and failing and trying again,,just to fail. =.=”

but this particular dream had just woken me up. i’m done forcing myself expecting that i’ll be happy like the others are. i’m done struggling. i’m done failing. i’m just done with everything. i was busy struggling until i forget what is important – myself!

the concern here is not to move on but to live life optimally. i was preoccupied with the “moving on” thingy until i don’t really take good care of myself, internally. i guess that can sometimes show from how much weight i’ve lost after the separation,lol. it’s unnoticeable but yes,, i’ve lost 6kg after 2 months being dumped with totally no effort! i mean for a girl who has been struggling with weight problem for half of her life, that’s undeniably impressive! (i guess that’s a good news though)

so now, i will try to follow the flow. i’ll take it day by day, bit by bit, and spend as much time i need to pick up all those pieces and put my heart back together.

may i find what i’ve been looking for and be the person i am! amin………

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*i’ve just finished reading a graphic novel a.k.a comic about love (it’s one of my hobbies),,CEBISAN KEAJAIBAN,,well that helps t0o!*

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I have always trying to make sure that i see myself doing what i love in 5 years from now…

The future is totally unpredictable,,but i love the feelings in which i have a total control of my life,,thus i do what ever it takes to make my list of plan to come to life.

I have been constantly sending my resumes to lots of production houses and keep my head up for any open casting.

I’ve gone to several castings and auditions for the past 3 years and get rejected each time.

*well,,no surprise actually*

But i believe that every time i go for a casting, i gain experience and it helps me to analyze my weaknesses.

At least, now i know a little bit about this and that as well as what to expect in this business.

Things are and will always be harsh on us, especially when we are no one famous or related to any important people,,adding up to the disappointment, i have little experience and i am not that good either. *haih*

Indeed, i’m disappointed but i’ll never gonna let the lights go out,,i’ll preserve and keep the candle burning.

In the end, i’ll come out and say,,i’ve made it!!!! or at least proudly say,,,i’ve been there and i am glad i never quit!!!

It’s either i make it to the top or i get something beyond ,,it really depends on how we perceive things in life,actually,,but there will be no room for failure!!!

Bahsya!!!! (#^0^)/

.:pricessy:..:r0yal predicament:.

Woke up late again (as always) and i drove myself alone to class *sigh*…

Lots of tasks need to be done,,,yet t0o little time to fulfill those…

Where goes my motivation? where goes my passion? where goes my 2008 resolutions? (erk,,correction,,,i don’t have any) <——-ching!!! ching!!! ching!!!!! (that’s it,,,that’s the main reason of my unproductivity)

I used to be a girl with a never ending list of plans,,,i used to be a girl who knew exactly what she wanted and how to get it (or at least try to) =.=”

Mysterious enough,,,i lost that girl in me,,,and i slowly disperse into somebody whom i’m not really familiar of,,,hate to admit it but i miss my-old-self *sigh*….

But heyy!!!

One thing for sure,,,the only thing that i still possess is my love of procrastination,,,walla~~

I guess my obsession in procrastinate things is extremely strong that i won’t mislay that..  *wink*

Not sure if i can get back to who i really am (optimistically,,,yes,,s0on),,,but i’m trying my best!!!

Being myself is a blessing because not many people can be lucky enough to live their own lives,,,but i’d say,,,we have the power to choose…yeah!!! (#^0^)/

We are who we want to be,,thus,,,it’s worth the effort of finding who we really are and be true to ourselves,,,we’ll be even more contented if we live up our own dreams and walk in our own heels… *wink*

So fellas,,,let’s join me in my-very-own-long-lost-self mission,,,and the search is on NOW!!!