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dear babe,

it’s funny how we met,,we laughed,,we cried,,we shared,,we cared,,and now we are apart,,but still do all that,,and how understanding you are of my pain from our relationship and the one after that..

we met years before we ever known each other,,we stared at each other from afar,,and that very one night i saw you,,i have always remembered you as a stranger who’s always on my mind,,might it be because we were meant to meet again as what we are now..

i’d like to think so…

it’s awkward to know that you have known me years before i even noticed you,,but the fact that you were there looking at me was always refreshing…

i never regret spending 3 years, 1 month, and 2 weeks being yours,,all the things we shared have turned us into a part of each other’s life…

we were having a lot of issues and things were getting out of hands,,but you never really given up on us,,just so you know babe,,i really appreciate that..

it’s great cause we are undeniably close when we are being non-exclusive,,no term of declaration needed but we know that we got each other,,always..

i’m grateful that we have now come to the point where we know what is best for us,,and thank god,,you never really leave..

(jordin sparks-tattoo)

dear prince charming,

you were always dear to my heart as a close friend of mine,,it’s undeniable that i have always felt some kind of strong connection towards you but i never would have thought that we could ever be more than that…

it’s funny how we were so together before we got the title,,before u told me that u loved me,,before i belonged to you,,it’s weird how things change in a split of a second,,so do your decisions..

irony as it is,,we were struggling for blessings and all,,just to fight for our love,,but once we got what we were looking for,,it all instantly disappeared,,including our love..

and now,,

we meet everyday,,i can see you walk,,i can hear you laugh,,i can stare at you when you are drawing during classes,,i can feel your presence,,but i can also feel the distance that is drifting us apart…

105 days together with you has brought me to my ultimate fairy tale life,,you were my prince charming and you didn’t even have to try..

it’s really sad that people try to get me away from you,,knowing that i would eventually be left alone,,even though it’s proven true,,i still wish that they could actually see how happy i was when we were together…

but babe,,i will always be putri,,with or without you..

(leona lewis-bleeding love)

now that it all has turned into my precious past,,i keep on telling myself that it all just another meaningful lesson for me to learn and be better..

well,,it is!

thanks for everything,,all the memories and still be here in my life circle,,even though it is hurtful,,but i could never imagine if things were not as they were..

looking back,,i’m so glad that i live this life,,no matter what comes,,no matter how badly hurt i am,,no matter how hard it is,,it is all worth it

(leona lewis-better in time)

[sorry for the inconvenience :)]

[copy the url from the video menu to watch the video and listen to the lyrics]

[they are specially dedicated to those people in my life –> tattoo(babe),,bleeding love(P.C.)]

[better in time is my latest motivation song :D]

  • stop making excuses
  • stop looking back
  • stop wondering why
  • stop blaming others
  • stop being childish
  • stop being stupid
  • stop being lame
  • stop the madness
  • stop the hatred
  • stop being ridiculous
  • stop expecting t0o high
  • stop being hypocrite
  • stop stop stop!!!!!

let’s just embrace this wonderful life! once and for all!!! yeah!!!

(a little reminder for me :D)

OMG!!! my hands are freezing and my heart beats so fast as if it would just explode out of excitement! 😀

seriously, i am  so over the top and would have jumped all the way to the stars right now!!

i mean,,,i have never been this happy and this energized since,,,(i don’t even remember when) but it has been so long ago,,i guess..

so for now,,,the word is: yeayyy!!!!!

my previous entries have always been very melancholic, solemn, gloomy, and what not. but this time,i’m really really really happy!!! (couldn’t be better!)

 

😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀

(they are not just any smiles, they are like the ear to ear grins!!!)

obviously,a lot of things have happened to me for the past four months.

a lot of ups and downs (or perhaps just downs),bittersweets as well as a huge evolution in my life have happened. 

well,a couple of extremely harsh lessons learnt and i really was caught in various internal issues. perhaps,that’s why it is called LIFE..

after all the not-so-lucky-encounters so now here comes the blissful part of my existence!!!

but before i even mention anything,i would like to start of with the prime change that makes my life all colourful again :

  • finally, i can actually say “thank God,,,it’s over!”. not sure when i had this refreshing improvement but i must say, these very little words are the key points of my contentment right now 😀 😀 😀 (OMG,,i can’t stop smiling!) 
  • everything starts to fall in place all over again and i’m feeling great bout myself again! (my studies are in control, my belongings are not making any fuss any longer, my emotions are getting back together, n i can totally see how great my life is!!!)
  • great things come when i least expect them!!!  (this is the best part of it all !!!)

it is well understood that i have been living a simple life with lots of not-so-simple dilemmas and problems,but surprisingly, wonderful enchantments have finally come to illuminate my days!!!

first thing first, i can finally go out and hang out with friends (boys and girls) late night until early in the morning without any resentment or feeling insecure of being rejected (it’s because i am so used to and getting traumatic of rejection itself). but now that i have recovered, (i guess) i can laugh, i can jump, i can do whatever and take whatever as reasons for me to basically just feel good bout everything 😀

i am starting to become an Ethos! girl in which it allows me to meet new people, learn new things, try out new things and crowd, push my passion in literature thingy forward and simply contribute to others. it has been a while since i have been actively involved in any association,,so i would call this as a kick start!

 and finally, i am definitely blessed to be accepted to take minor in music! i have always been interested in doing anything that has something to do with entertainment. indeed,i’m more of an entertainer than a book-work. however,past experiences have made me think that i’m not good enough to be one or even being admitted to be in any event that is related to talent. i cannot play instruments and i know for the fact that i don’t have a singer voice. thus, i try to shut myself off the things that i thought was out of my reach—> music! however, i wouldn’t mind to try my luck just to see how much i suck in it,lol 😀 shockingly, i was the lucky few that had successfully passed the audition to take minor in music when i accompanied my friends to the audition. adding up to my surprise, the audition was on pitching,rhythm, as well as my voice! it’s a very refreshing feeling to actually have the head of the music programme to tell me that i am fit for the position (as a music minor student) when almost everyone in the past didn’t think so. but i’m up to the challenge though, i will step up and prove to everyone that she was right! 😀

 

 

 

Let’s welcome my new desktop to the fairy land!!!

Welcome dear!!!

*clap clap clap*

It was at the most hectic week when my lappy started to break down.

it was always stuck and running t0o slow until at one point the sound system started to be suspiciously slow and gagged!

i sent it to the lappy doctor twice in two weeks and the same problems keep coming and getting worst each time!

i called my mum to ask her for advice and solutions. then it turned out that my mum wanted to buy me a new lappy .

my reaction???   NO !!! i love my lappy and still have faith in it. i want to fix and keep it,,if possible… 😦

it’s not that i’m not excited at all to get a brand new lappy but i’m just a person who values every single thing in my life deeply. :-<

the same thing happened when my mum wanted to buy me a new car last year. i refused to replace the family car that i got from my parents even though its just an old Proton Saga. obviously, a Perodua Myvi SE is a better choice and yes i finally agreed to have a new car. but i still feel some kind of connection to the one that i got for the first time.

maybe, i’m just simply a girl who won’t replace anything in my life so easily. to be honest, i’m still missing my old car and my lappy.

don’t get me wrong though, yes!!!

i love my new PC and obviously my Myvi SE has been my horse of white which lives up my princess in fairy tale life moments!

it’s just that i would like to pay my tributes to those things that had been in my life before.

i’m thankful that my old car is still at my parents house back there in Johor and my lappy is still here, safely kept in my room.  

however, after considering my desperate need of having a computer to finish up tons and tons of work loads, then i decided to welcome a new PC!

welcome again desky!!!

..(^0^)/

i still love u lappy!!!welcome desky!!!

 

p/s: lappy = laptop, desky = desktop (its just the way i address them to make them sound more personal to me,it’s like a special nickname) 😀

 

 


last night,,i went to Shah Alam Stadium to watch Selangor and Kedah in action!!!

*clap clap clap* =D>

what a blast!!! it was a great game!! v(^0^)v

Kedah played well yesterday and Selangor was not that bad either! the game ended with Kedah won over Selangor for 1-0,,cogratulations Kedah!! i can really see why you guys won the game yesterday,,the strategy was brilliant!!

but i have to say that it was extremely frustrating to see one precious goal from Selangor to foul when the player had accidentally kicked the goal keeper,aiyyah,,it was really unfortunate for Selangor,,but no worries though,,the score shows that u guys did do your part well,,your time will surely come,,go Selangor go,lol!!

i was sceaming like hell when the ball hit the net,,being in the crowd of red and yellow,,i was really into the spirit of supporting Selangor even though i’m a loyal Johorian at heart,lol

i was really really really enjoying my day out (or should i say night out)!! and yes,,being a nocturnal is a blessing!! 😀

after the football match had ended,,my friends and i went to Segambut to watch another game,,this time a futsal match! my friend’s boyfriend was playing for his brother’s team hoping that he would help the team to win as losers would pay the fees,,lol!!! (interesting bet,,huh) and yes,,they won!!!

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

being out and enjoying my life with friends and get to know new people hit me in the forehead!

i mean,,after all these while, i had problems in opening up and let new people to come in..and look,,just a couple of days after i had decided to go with the flow and let my heart tell me what is okay and what is not without trying to fix it,,heyyy,i am finally back!!!

i may not be fully recovered but at least,,i am getting there.. i restart,,i refresh!!!

what a life!!! silly me,,i thought by following my mind and ignoring my heart would help me to be strong,,buZZZzzzzzz!!! i’m wrong!!!

so fellas!!! here i come!!!

putri is back!!!

this time,,wiser!!!

…(^,^)/

A note to all who i call FRIENDS!!!

3648976901.jpg

Go on, dear friends, go on,

Smile, laugh, and grin to cherish your days,

but listen to what i got to say,

May we find the answers to all questions,

The key to every locked doors,

and the sun to illuminate the real US within,

You guys have been great companions to me,

Back then and always,

No matter how much you hurt me, unintentionally,

No matter i’ve become a burden to all of you, unintentionally,

Although the distance between will space us out,

May we remember our true friendship,

everything that binds us together,

and i beg you to not judge me from my mistakes,

but to judge me from what I’ve learnt from my mistakes.

I will be here,

Always for you even when you’ve shoved me far away,

and then slowly come back before you walk away again,

I will always be here,

For you and for every single reason that keeps us connected.

I will stay,

I will pray,

For what i feel inside will fade away,

the hurt from your spears will go away,

So that i will not run away,

cause these eyes can still see even when they are closed,

these ears can still hear when you whisper,

bleeding the scars over and over again…

 

 

 

 

ql.jpg

I had a dream, a very strange one, in which it gives me a sign, a very deep yet meaningful sign. it’s like the inner me has arisen and wake me up through my dream. (deep,huh)

In the dream, i was a single parent with 4 kids. a pair of grown up teens and two little boys aged 3 & 5 years old. it was like a family vacation where we went out and spent time together. but there was this guy, not sure of his age but it seems like i was trying to force myself to marry him cause i think he would be a good father to my kids and complete their lives. but i’m positive that i was not into him at all! the vacation was to see if my kids can really accept that man in their lives.

On our way back home from the vacation, we were all in the car when suddenly my youngest son said something.

“mama, u don’t smell the same”

i was surprised! then i asked him why. that innocent looking boy answered,

“you used to put on that perfume more than 1 spray, that perfume”

(pointing to the perfume on the dashboard)

it was just several simple lines from him, but it made me realized of how much i’ had neglected my kids and even myself. i was still in the dream when i realized this. then, i looked at all of my kids. all i see was their gloomy eyes. the eyes that were like asking me to be fair to ourselves. suddenly, i heard someone saying something, and that was again, danish, my youngest son.

“mama, danish miss you…”

then, i woke up,abruptly.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

I am obviously have never been married, what’s more to have any children on my own. logically, this dream is not related to me at all. dream, in general, might be just an entertainment of sleep to others. but i am a thinker. a very active thinker! i take note of every little things in life and reflect.

well, that dream really gives a huge impact on me. in a way that it helps me to understand myself better. it’s a sign from within. a message to ponder.

i believe that my children in the dream were the other me. the other me that lie inside just like my soul, voices that always join me in my monologues, as well as my imaginary friends. invisible but exist!

i ‘m jealous of my friends, right after their breakups, they can simply flirt with other guys, open up and let new persons to know them better. no doubt, that really makes them happy and helps them to move on. unfortunately, i’m not one of them. i try to, but i’ll always end up feeling terribly insecure and run away. (pathetic,huh) *sigh*

 

 

but i had decided to be like them, to be more flexible and let new guys to get closer. and again,,i failed,, i’m lost,, i was all over the place. i kept on trying and failing and trying again,,just to fail. =.=”

but this particular dream had just woken me up. i’m done forcing myself expecting that i’ll be happy like the others are. i’m done struggling. i’m done failing. i’m just done with everything. i was busy struggling until i forget what is important – myself!

the concern here is not to move on but to live life optimally. i was preoccupied with the “moving on” thingy until i don’t really take good care of myself, internally. i guess that can sometimes show from how much weight i’ve lost after the separation,lol. it’s unnoticeable but yes,, i’ve lost 6kg after 2 months being dumped with totally no effort! i mean for a girl who has been struggling with weight problem for half of her life, that’s undeniably impressive! (i guess that’s a good news though)

so now, i will try to follow the flow. i’ll take it day by day, bit by bit, and spend as much time i need to pick up all those pieces and put my heart back together.

may i find what i’ve been looking for and be the person i am! amin………

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 

*i’ve just finished reading a graphic novel a.k.a comic about love (it’s one of my hobbies),,CEBISAN KEAJAIBAN,,well that helps t0o!*

gh.gif

Last night, i spent the night out with a couple of friends, hang out at Laundry, The Curve while waiting for the movie to start at 2.15 a.m.

Tanx friends for being considerate and come to rescue when i’m down. i called my mum to tell her that i was going to Damansara and hang out with my friends for the entire night. As always, she said okay and asked me to take good care of myself. (ibu,,tanx for understanding and believing in your daughter more than she herself does!)

Venue : Laundry, The Curve & Cineleisure Damansara.

This is officially the first time after the poignant incident that i ever go out and hang out for the entire night. I was always a nocturnal person and still am.

Night is the time when i’m most productive and inspired. Unfortunate enough, after some ill-fated events that took place in my life, i lost my identity and struggling to define myself. Consequently, i stop myself from going out even when persuasively asked by some of my friends who know how much i’m suffering from the incident. i’m down, especially when i’m trying to deny myself and try to fix who i really am. but i guess it’s worth the try and now i know that i can never be someone else!

some might ask why would i do that? forbidding myself from being the girl who i really am and purposely make my life miserable for that. well fellas, i have some past experiences that told me : ‘no one can ever keep up with me, my life, my friends, my dreams, and basically, MYSELF!”

i lost lots of entities in my life for what i am. they don’t know me but still accuse and blame me,, and eventually get away from me. when i say i hang out with friends at night and have fun, they would assume me being in the club drinking and partying. *sigh* heyy,,i can always just have my supper and laugh my lungs out!

Last two nights, (the night i posted the post ‘sayang, putri misses you’ ) i cry my heart out and crashed again. Frustrating indeed, after 3 months of struggling, i still can’t get over it. i’m still haunted by the fear, and the memories. i’m still reaching out for the answer. i’m still baffled! *double sigh*

Talking bout the movie, 27 Dresses makes me wonder.. what i need the most in my life,, in terms of love and belonging. do i want to be loved and belonged to anyone in particular? do i need a wedding or a marriage? the answer is, yes, perhaps i need it all. but now that i realize one thing; i need the happiness more than the declaration of love. i need to feel the love more than to define the love itself..

i want to be exactly like this: th_funny.gif

still you & me not you @ me

still you & me not you, me, & her

still you & me not you @ him

still you & me not me, myself, & i……

to be continued! 

qh.gif

What would you do if this is the last time you see a star?

Just what would you do if this is the last time you see a rainbow?

Are you gonna stay and cry helplessly?

Or are you gonna preserve and smile in front of mummy?

 

 

Who would you turn to if you ever get lost?

And just to whom would you give your last attributes and flaws?

Will you let them go when you know it’s for good?

Or would you confess your little secret in mute?

 

 

With what reason would you lie to hide those tears?

What kind of apology would you ask to make it turn around?

So where would you keep all those cloudy memories?

When everything in front is merely invisible debris?

 

 

 

 

When time drags you down to your darkest moment,

Would you run?

Or would you freeze?

 

 

 

 

When the first thing you get is the last thing you want,

The last thing you need is the first thing you hunt,

Perhaps, these littlest things mean nothing to you,

Just as much as the tiny hole in a canoe,

 

 

 

 

Neglected till regret!

 

 

hellafrenzy, 2008