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dear babe,

it’s funny how we met,,we laughed,,we cried,,we shared,,we cared,,and now we are apart,,but still do all that,,and how understanding you are of my pain from our relationship and the one after that..

we met years before we ever known each other,,we stared at each other from afar,,and that very one night i saw you,,i have always remembered you as a stranger who’s always on my mind,,might it be because we were meant to meet again as what we are now..

i’d like to think so…

it’s awkward to know that you have known me years before i even noticed you,,but the fact that you were there looking at me was always refreshing…

i never regret spending 3 years, 1 month, and 2 weeks being yours,,all the things we shared have turned us into a part of each other’s life…

we were having a lot of issues and things were getting out of hands,,but you never really given up on us,,just so you know babe,,i really appreciate that..

it’s great cause we are undeniably close when we are being non-exclusive,,no term of declaration needed but we know that we got each other,,always..

i’m grateful that we have now come to the point where we know what is best for us,,and thank god,,you never really leave..

(jordin sparks-tattoo)

dear prince charming,

you were always dear to my heart as a close friend of mine,,it’s undeniable that i have always felt some kind of strong connection towards you but i never would have thought that we could ever be more than that…

it’s funny how we were so together before we got the title,,before u told me that u loved me,,before i belonged to you,,it’s weird how things change in a split of a second,,so do your decisions..

irony as it is,,we were struggling for blessings and all,,just to fight for our love,,but once we got what we were looking for,,it all instantly disappeared,,including our love..

and now,,

we meet everyday,,i can see you walk,,i can hear you laugh,,i can stare at you when you are drawing during classes,,i can feel your presence,,but i can also feel the distance that is drifting us apart…

105 days together with you has brought me to my ultimate fairy tale life,,you were my prince charming and you didn’t even have to try..

it’s really sad that people try to get me away from you,,knowing that i would eventually be left alone,,even though it’s proven true,,i still wish that they could actually see how happy i was when we were together…

but babe,,i will always be putri,,with or without you..

(leona lewis-bleeding love)

now that it all has turned into my precious past,,i keep on telling myself that it all just another meaningful lesson for me to learn and be better..

well,,it is!

thanks for everything,,all the memories and still be here in my life circle,,even though it is hurtful,,but i could never imagine if things were not as they were..

looking back,,i’m so glad that i live this life,,no matter what comes,,no matter how badly hurt i am,,no matter how hard it is,,it is all worth it

(leona lewis-better in time)

[sorry for the inconvenience :)]

[copy the url from the video menu to watch the video and listen to the lyrics]

[they are specially dedicated to those people in my life –> tattoo(babe),,bleeding love(P.C.)]

[better in time is my latest motivation song :D]



I had a dream, a very strange one, in which it gives me a sign, a very deep yet meaningful sign. it’s like the inner me has arisen and wake me up through my dream. (deep,huh)

In the dream, i was a single parent with 4 kids. a pair of grown up teens and two little boys aged 3 & 5 years old. it was like a family vacation where we went out and spent time together. but there was this guy, not sure of his age but it seems like i was trying to force myself to marry him cause i think he would be a good father to my kids and complete their lives. but i’m positive that i was not into him at all! the vacation was to see if my kids can really accept that man in their lives.

On our way back home from the vacation, we were all in the car when suddenly my youngest son said something.

“mama, u don’t smell the same”

i was surprised! then i asked him why. that innocent looking boy answered,

“you used to put on that perfume more than 1 spray, that perfume”

(pointing to the perfume on the dashboard)

it was just several simple lines from him, but it made me realized of how much i’ had neglected my kids and even myself. i was still in the dream when i realized this. then, i looked at all of my kids. all i see was their gloomy eyes. the eyes that were like asking me to be fair to ourselves. suddenly, i heard someone saying something, and that was again, danish, my youngest son.

“mama, danish miss you…”

then, i woke up,abruptly.


I am obviously have never been married, what’s more to have any children on my own. logically, this dream is not related to me at all. dream, in general, might be just an entertainment of sleep to others. but i am a thinker. a very active thinker! i take note of every little things in life and reflect.

well, that dream really gives a huge impact on me. in a way that it helps me to understand myself better. it’s a sign from within. a message to ponder.

i believe that my children in the dream were the other me. the other me that lie inside just like my soul, voices that always join me in my monologues, as well as my imaginary friends. invisible but exist!

i ‘m jealous of my friends, right after their breakups, they can simply flirt with other guys, open up and let new persons to know them better. no doubt, that really makes them happy and helps them to move on. unfortunately, i’m not one of them. i try to, but i’ll always end up feeling terribly insecure and run away. (pathetic,huh) *sigh*



but i had decided to be like them, to be more flexible and let new guys to get closer. and again,,i failed,, i’m lost,, i was all over the place. i kept on trying and failing and trying again,,just to fail. =.=”

but this particular dream had just woken me up. i’m done forcing myself expecting that i’ll be happy like the others are. i’m done struggling. i’m done failing. i’m just done with everything. i was busy struggling until i forget what is important – myself!

the concern here is not to move on but to live life optimally. i was preoccupied with the “moving on” thingy until i don’t really take good care of myself, internally. i guess that can sometimes show from how much weight i’ve lost after the separation,lol. it’s unnoticeable but yes,, i’ve lost 6kg after 2 months being dumped with totally no effort! i mean for a girl who has been struggling with weight problem for half of her life, that’s undeniably impressive! (i guess that’s a good news though)

so now, i will try to follow the flow. i’ll take it day by day, bit by bit, and spend as much time i need to pick up all those pieces and put my heart back together.

may i find what i’ve been looking for and be the person i am! amin………



*i’ve just finished reading a graphic novel a.k.a comic about love (it’s one of my hobbies),,CEBISAN KEAJAIBAN,,well that helps t0o!*


Last night, i spent the night out with a couple of friends, hang out at Laundry, The Curve while waiting for the movie to start at 2.15 a.m.

Tanx friends for being considerate and come to rescue when i’m down. i called my mum to tell her that i was going to Damansara and hang out with my friends for the entire night. As always, she said okay and asked me to take good care of myself. (ibu,,tanx for understanding and believing in your daughter more than she herself does!)

Venue : Laundry, The Curve & Cineleisure Damansara.

This is officially the first time after the poignant incident that i ever go out and hang out for the entire night. I was always a nocturnal person and still am.

Night is the time when i’m most productive and inspired. Unfortunate enough, after some ill-fated events that took place in my life, i lost my identity and struggling to define myself. Consequently, i stop myself from going out even when persuasively asked by some of my friends who know how much i’m suffering from the incident. i’m down, especially when i’m trying to deny myself and try to fix who i really am. but i guess it’s worth the try and now i know that i can never be someone else!

some might ask why would i do that? forbidding myself from being the girl who i really am and purposely make my life miserable for that. well fellas, i have some past experiences that told me : ‘no one can ever keep up with me, my life, my friends, my dreams, and basically, MYSELF!”

i lost lots of entities in my life for what i am. they don’t know me but still accuse and blame me,, and eventually get away from me. when i say i hang out with friends at night and have fun, they would assume me being in the club drinking and partying. *sigh* heyy,,i can always just have my supper and laugh my lungs out!

Last two nights, (the night i posted the post ‘sayang, putri misses you’ ) i cry my heart out and crashed again. Frustrating indeed, after 3 months of struggling, i still can’t get over it. i’m still haunted by the fear, and the memories. i’m still reaching out for the answer. i’m still baffled! *double sigh*

Talking bout the movie, 27 Dresses makes me wonder.. what i need the most in my life,, in terms of love and belonging. do i want to be loved and belonged to anyone in particular? do i need a wedding or a marriage? the answer is, yes, perhaps i need it all. but now that i realize one thing; i need the happiness more than the declaration of love. i need to feel the love more than to define the love itself..

i want to be exactly like this: th_funny.gif

still you & me not you @ me

still you & me not you, me, & her

still you & me not you @ him

still you & me not me, myself, & i……

to be continued! 


What would you do if this is the last time you see a star?

Just what would you do if this is the last time you see a rainbow?

Are you gonna stay and cry helplessly?

Or are you gonna preserve and smile in front of mummy?



Who would you turn to if you ever get lost?

And just to whom would you give your last attributes and flaws?

Will you let them go when you know it’s for good?

Or would you confess your little secret in mute?



With what reason would you lie to hide those tears?

What kind of apology would you ask to make it turn around?

So where would you keep all those cloudy memories?

When everything in front is merely invisible debris?





When time drags you down to your darkest moment,

Would you run?

Or would you freeze?





When the first thing you get is the last thing you want,

The last thing you need is the first thing you hunt,

Perhaps, these littlest things mean nothing to you,

Just as much as the tiny hole in a canoe,





Neglected till regret!



hellafrenzy, 2008

Look at the rain,
Hear the drops,
You’ll feel the pain,
Even after it stops.
Look at the dog,
Listen when it barks,
Telling stories of the untold,
A song in the eerie night.
Stare at those stars,
Wondering why they are dim,
Searching for the reason,
The one that loses its sparks.
hellafrenzy, 2008


Bersedialah jiwa,

Untuk hidupku yang selebih nya,

Takkan kedengaran suaranya lagi,

Takkan terlihat bayangnya lagi,

Takkan terimbas hangat cintanya lagi,

Takkan kusedar makna bahagia lagi…

hellafrenzy, 2008

Here comes my first official ‘sajak‘ (poem) in Bahasa Malaysia, *clap clap clap*

Let me translate it in English, for those who can’t understand Bahasa Malaysia. (i think i have readers who are not Malaysian) *wink*


Be prepared oh dear soul,

For the remaining moments of my life,

There will be no more of his sounds,

There will be no more of his shadow,

There will be no more of his warmth,

There will be no more of happiness…

hellafrenzy, 2008


When everyone else is wondering how their loved ones are doing, grab the phone and make the call, listen to their favorite voices, planning where and when to kill time together, when they still get the chance to be thankful to look into those addicting eyes,when they still got the chance to feel the warmth as well as cherish the magnificent moments of loving and being loved;here i am, writing, again…


This is another fray,

Something to see and say,

Squabble and mislay,

Where i am the helpless prey,

With an inevitable yesterday.


Tell me again if this is fair,

When all i’m allowed to do is only stare

Fear of being blamed if i share,

Thus, i refuse to find the one who care.


Dear calamity and mishap tragedy,

Including you, catastrophic misery,

Whichever names you hold,

Whatever stories you’ve been told,

I shall be the one to take the toll,

For all you’ve done is turn me cold.




Allow me to articulate in words and rhyme,

And let the answer to come in time,


Permit me to stay in my own solitude,

As for Him i pay my only gratitude.






-hellafrenzy (2008)





I’ve always wanted to write about my single life.
Don’t get me wrong though.
This post is not meant to hurt anyone & hopefully it is free from any offensive element as well. (erk,,i’ll try?)
This is just an analysis of my life as a singlet after being belonged to someone for quite some time. (very long time actually,lol)
My single life is:
  • awkward (i find it hard to react truthfully,perhaps it’s because i’m not totally recovered yet)
  • free (for once,i realize the real meaning of privacy)
  • boring (i’m like so used to being fully dedicated to a relationship until i kind of get used to the fuss of keeping the relationship on track—> arguments and stuff,,lol)
  • inspiring (or not. but i really have different views on life and relationships now that i have plenty of time to spend for self-reflection which is one of my favorite past time activity,lol)
  • great! (i don’t know which one is great,being out of love but i have full control of my life or being in love,showered by attentions and stuff but confuse of the life that i lead)

But heyyy,,

One thing for sure, i’m the kind of girl who is optimistic and always make the best of what i have.

it’s here and now“, (my mum).

I do struggle to adapt but it’s so not worth it to give up on something as wonderful as being single and available and ready to mingle,,lol.

It is definitely true, things are easy said than done.

Disappointing as it is but i guess we just have to keep living.

I strongly believe in the phrase,’the past is the best teacher‘.

Experience is what really opens up my eyes as it allows me to learn from my mistakes.

Even though it sometimes makes me hesitate to step ahead but i won’t give in.

I might take a little while before i take another step but at least i’m moving forward to the right path.

That’s the least that i can do to make me look less pathetic for my struggle in moving on. *eish* =.=”


By the way,

10,000 BC is as great as it should be,lol.

The definition of love could not be better!


I’m currently busy with assignments and ethics’ project. *sigh*
Life sucks when there are t0o many things to handle. I really wish i don’t have to do all this.
Alas,i have spent the past twelve hours wasting my time by playing online games, singing, dancing, watching tv, and not forget to mention —> crying.

(looks like i have successfully wasting my precious time for assignment, erk, do i need to be proud of it?)
But i couldn’t help it, it’s just extremely exhausting that it makes me slip into some inappropriate emotions.
All of the sudden, i realize that i’m not totally over my ex, not satisfied with myself, not as happy as i think i am, and the list goes on!
Wondering how did that happen?
I was browsing the net and suddenly i stumbled upon this video on youtube:
(i can totally relate to every single scene!)
Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush is one of my favourite celebrity couples, but in the end, their love life ends up just like mine. Thus, they do have some significant reflections towards my life. =.=”
Enough of grief, i’d better put all that aside, Now!
I’ve found a way to keep me occupied (other than those assignments) and it’s extremely exciting!
———-> learning dance moves!
*clap clap clap*
 I’m so excited but………..
Erk,hate to admit it but i am not a good dancer.
So it takes longer time for me to master the steps but i’m positive about it and hopefully i can master the routine soon!

Song : Tell Me by Wonder Girls